


a thousand miles up (and about to get higher)

by dastardlyenables



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Domestic Fluff, Don't copy to another site, First Date, M/M, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 09:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17220950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dastardlyenables/pseuds/dastardlyenables
Summary: The first thing that Hidan thinks to himself when he finally looks up from the map on his phone to the building in front of him is that he is definitely in the wrong place.Hidan is finally moving in with his new roommate and it's... interesting.





	a thousand miles up (and about to get higher)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [trickstergames](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=trickstergames).



The first thing that Hidan thinks to himself when he finally looks up from the map on his phone to the building in front of him is that he is definitely in the wrong place. There is no second thought; mostly he stands, staring stupidly, in front of the fancy high-rise complex. His duffle bag is slung over his back, and a beat-up cardboard box in his hands contains all that remains of his worldly possessions that aren't in some federal case file inventory. The typical sidewalk traffic flows around him, as he stands there, stuck, staring blankly, until he is jolted out of it by the sound of someone clearing their throat loudly right next to his ear. Hidan jumps and lets out a yelp, his skin prickling as he turn to face the man who is his soon-to-be new roommate. Kakuzu looks strange, dressed in what Hidan hesitates to call 'business casual'. His long hair is tied up and pinned back in a neat bun, and his shirt and slacks are both neatly pressed.

He looks nothing like the version of the man Hidan had met in the sketchy McDonalds a couple of blocks away, sitting at a sticky-plastic table in a red-paint-coated metal chair, drinking a solitary, small black coffee. His hair had been loose, then, and he'd had on a pair of faded jeans and a solid-colored pullover that Hidan would have sworn money was Fruit of the Loom off of a Walmart rack. He'd spent the whole time scowling like the world had offended him, and calmly and clearly laid out his stipulations for the roommate position. It felt marginally more stressful than most of the job interviews Hidan had ever been in, and not a few of those involved grumpy cartel agents with guns. But, the conditions he set weren't too bizarre, and Hidan was possibly, slightly edging on desperate so the terms seemed fair enough.

Kakuzu grunts, and it brings Hidan out of his musings to catch Kakuzu's raised eyebrow. Hidan just stares back, and Kakuzu rolls his eyes before gesturing grandly at the lobby of the high-rise in front of them. Hidan took half a step back.

"They're gonna laugh me out and then probably call the pigs the moment I step into that place."

Kakuzu just _looks_ at Hidan for a long moment, like he is a particularly stubborn child. It makes Hidan want to stick out his tongue at him.

"Why do you think I'm standing here to escort you in? Let's go." Kakuzu doesn't wait for a reply, merely shoves Hidan forward towards the double-glass doors. The receptionist gives Hidan a dirty look, but doesn't say anything as Kakuzu waves in her direction lazily as he walks past the desk and straight to the elevators.

The elevator itself is all shiny black paneling, well-lit from spot ceiling lights, with a shining, stainless-steel floor. Hidan wants to scuff all the shine up with the cheap rubber soles of his sneakers, but Kakuzu's resting expression already looks halfway murderous, and Hidan decides he doesn't want to test his new roommate's self-control this early into their new relationship.

Instead, Hidan looks around the elevator in silence, before finally caving to ask the question that has been sitting on his mind the whole while.

"You, uh, you realize that I can't pay half the rent on a place like this, right?" Hidan leans against the wall of the elevator, resting the most-stable side of his cardboard box on the handrail to take most of the weight. He tries to gauge Kakuzu for a reaction, but the man only glances down at his wristwatch before shifting back to staring impatiently at the elevator doors.

"You'll only need to pay the previously agreed-upon sum each month, the rest of the apartment's rent and all amenities will be covered." Kakuzu looks down at his wristwatch again, before pulling out his phone and beginning to type furiously.

"That, uh, doesn't seem real fair to you," Hidan adds, tentatively. He doesn't want to end up having to make up the difference some other way, especially now. He promised Fuu that he was going legit and lawful, this time, and he doesn't want to let his little sister down. Kakuzu only snorts, not even bothering to look up form his phone.

"I own it."

"The apartment?" Hidan ventures.

"The complex."

"All right, then," Hidan shrugs and begins to tap his fingernails along the edges of a particularly large dent in his box, and takes to staring down at his shoes. A few more seconds pass, and Hidan's head snaps up, whipping around and sputtering , to face Kakuzu again.

"You _what_?"

"I own the complex," Kakuzu states, as though he were commenting on the weather. He pauses, and cocks his head. "More precisely, I own the parent company of the company that owns the property managers who own and maintain this and several other apartment complexes in the area."

"Then what the _fuck_ do you need a roommate for?"

Kakuzu taps away on his phone screen, stopping only to look up and stare at Hidan like he is a particularly stupid small rodent.

"If I occupy the apartment myself, I lose out on any possible revenue from a formal renter. Ergo, I need a roommate if I am to collect rent." He pauses again, and then finally tucks his phone away. "Also, Shodai could use an additional source of stimulation."

Hidan stares, jaw hanging, as the elevator dings to indicate that it has arrived to the proper floor and Kakuzu waltzes straight out of the doors. Hidan scrambles behind him to gather up his stuff out of the elevator and follow him out to the end of the hall.

  


* * *

  


"There's cat hair on your shirt."

Hidan looks up from his lunch of cold, greasy pizza and assorted food-court samples to glare. Just what he needs: a the loud-mouthed, snot-nosed brat left unattended to harass unsuspecting victims similarly trapped in the retail hell of an over-large indoor mall. Kid has balls at least, since it just stares back at, unblinking. Hidan sips his almost-empty soda loudly in response.

Inattentive soccer mom #473 finally notices her precious angel is missing from her side and is currently engaged in a staring contest with a tattooed and well-pierced adult male. She comes over to drag her child away and glares at Hidan, as though he has somehow chosen to be harassed by her little terror. He scoots his chair back, the metal legs dragging along the linoleum-tile flooring with a hellish screech in response, as he slouches back and splays his legs wide like an asshole on the train. He picks up his empty soda-cup and sucks his straw extra loudly as he stares ISM#473 down, smirk shifting into a grin as she turns around and marches off with a huff, child in tow.

Just then, two small hands slam down on Hidan's shoulders. He nearly tips over his chair. Hidan whirls around to find Fuu, beat-up messenger bag still slung over her shoulder. She's tapping her scuffed high-tops as she crosses her arms in front of her chest, biting down on her lip to keep from laughing at Hidan's startled face. Hidan doesn't bother with pretense, just stands up and scoops her up in his arms and twirls her around.

"Heya squirt!

"Ugh, oaf! Put me down!" Fuu thumps her fists against Hidan's head and kicks her legs a couple of times before clinging to him like a spider monkey and hugs him back. "You're such a jerk," she mutters, face tucked into the fabric of his black t-shirt.

Hidan sets Fuu down and beings to gather up his lunch detritus. Fuu brushes her hands down the front of her shirt-hoodie to try and shake off the cat hair and straighten out the wrinkles. Hidan hip-checks her gently as he gathers up his food tray and heads towards the trash can.

"C'mon, Fuu, I got a present for ya."

Fuu straightens the pins on her messenger bag and then trots along after Hidan as he heads back up the escalators to _Hot Topic_ before ducking back into the employee stockroom. Fuu sighs loudly and sprawls her arms across the register.

"It better not be another Happy Meal toy!" she hollers after him, before she flops her head down with an exaggerated groan onto the counter.

"Would I do that to you?" Hidan yells back, sounding half-offended.

" _Yes_." Fuu stands up and rests her chin on her hands, elbows splayed across the register counter. Fuu rolls her eyes as Hidan finally comes back with an actual, honest-to-god, gift bag---almost half her height---with tissue paper and everything. Hidan sets it up on the counter and Fuu squints at it suspiciously.

"If this is a gag gift, I'm going to kick you."

"Damn, Fuu, just open it, would ya?"

Fuu shifts her squint to Hidan, taking the bag off the counter. She shakes it in her hands twice, to feel the heft of it, before tearing into the tissue paper with the ferocity of a lion digging into steak. Hidan steps back, crossing his arms and leaning against the register with surprising patience as Fuu reaches in past the shredded tissue paper and pulls out a new Fjallraven backpack.

"Wha--? How!" Fuu's eyes are open wide, and she drops the gift bag to the floor as she holds up the backpack with both hands for inspection. Hidan's expression shifts into a grin.

"Keep digging, squirt. That's not all I got." Fuu's eyes take on a sparkling shine as she drops the backpack down on the counter and reaches back into the gift bag. She pulls out a few fistfuls of tissue paper before drawing out a large wooly jacket in a pale turquoise-green. Fuu squeals in delight and buries her face into the jacket.

"It's so fluffy!" Her words are muffled by the thick wooly fuzz. Hidan merely grins wider.

"And you thought I was gonna give you a Happy Meal toy."

Fuu looks up from her gifts, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"These are the best! Thank-you!" The flash of a price tag on the the sleeve of the jacket catches her attention, and her excitement quickly shifts to worry. "Where'd you get the money for this stuff?" She shoves the backpack and jacket back into the gift bag and shifts up onto her tip-toes as she slams her hands down on the register counter. "Did you--? Hidan you _promised_ \--!"

"Whoah, whoah, holy shit, calm down, Fuu!" Hidan's hands shoot up, placating. "I didn't do anything illegal, cripes." He runs a hand through his hair. "Remember my roommate I told you about?" Fuu rocks back onto her heels and crossed her arms.

"The weirdo one with the cat that's in love with him?" she asks.

"Yeah, him. So--" Fuu leans in, cutting Hidan off.

"I thought you said he has nice abs."

"He _does_ have nice abs. And glutes. Anyways--" Fuu cackles and pumps her fist.

"I _knew_ you had a crush on him!"

"What? No! Shut up. He's some sort of financial genius, and after whining at him forever he agreed to help me with my Econ courses if I swore to practice be following his weirdo financial plan with investing and shit. And it worked!" Hidan shoves his hands into his pockets, and mutters, "though then he raised my rent, too, the asshole. _Anyways_ \--" he continues, louder, "I've got the extra cash now, so I can get nice shit every once in a while. Plus, I'm ace-ing all my Econ courses."

Fuu is mollified, or perhaps distracted by the fact that Hidan's face is still a lightly flushed pink, and she clutches the gift bag up tightly against her chest.

"You're still trying to get into that fancy business school, right? The one with the special honors program?"

"Yeah, so you better be working real hard in school, or I'm gonna take your spot as family smarty-pants." Hidan grins wide, and steps out form behind the register.

"Family smart-ass, maybe," Fuu grumbles under her breath, only for Hidan to snag her into a light headlock and noogie her, laughing. "Argh! Asshole!"

Fuu stomps down on the instep of Hidan's left foot as she elbows him in the gut. Hidan jumps back, hopping on one foot and clutching his stomach.

"God _damn_ , Fuu!" Fuu just huffs and pats her hair smooth, using the mirror of a jewelry display stand to fix her hair clips. Hidan's phone begins to vibrate loudly from deep in his pocket. He fishes it out and groans as he checks the screen.

"My break's up. I gotta go clock back in. Take care, yeah?"

Fuu worms under his arms for one last hug goodbye before darting out the door with a wave. Hidan snorts.

"Brat."

  


* * *

  


Hidan flops down on the couch next to Kakuzu and flings his head back with a thunk against the armrest.

"Enjoying retail, are you?" Kakuzu's voice calls from behind the rustle of his newspaper, laced with amusement. Hidan lazily flips him off and lets out a long groan in reply.

They sit in companionable quiet for a few minutes, Kakuzu flipping through his newspaper while Hidan does his damnedest to be swallowed by the suede leather couch cushions. When the couch cushions remain particularly unobliging, Hidan finally sits up and stretches. Shodai hops into his lap and demands attention. Hidan is a good little minion and begins to scritch the damn cat that has been coating all his black work shirts in hair.

"Saw my sister today," Hidan says, finally, breaking the silence. Kakuzu folds his newspaper and tucks it away.

"And how was that?"

"It was... nice. She was happy with the stuff, and it felt good, y'know." Hidan shifts from scratches to slow pets as Shodai nuzzles at his fingers. Kakuzu hums thoughtfully, before his expression morphs into a smirk.

"It's almost like being able to pay for nice things is nice," Kakuzu says, lightly. Hidan shoves him in the shoulder before dumping Shodai in his lap, standing up and heading towards the kitchen.

"Oh, shut up bajillionaire."

Kakuzu laughs and turns back to his newspaper as Shodai settles into a fluffy ball in his lap. "Don't forget to rebalance your investments at the end of the week."

"You're still an asshole. Should we get eggplant with dinner?"

"Leftovers from last night are in the fridge. Use those."

  


* * *

Hidan straightens out his button-up shirt in and gives a second pass over the state of his khaki pants, checking his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He doesn't look too bad, eyeliner a little more muted than his usual, and hair carefully slicked back. He cleans up rather well, he thinks. He grabs the one sport jacket he owns, tucks both phone and wallet into the inside pocket before slinging it on and waiting in the apartment foyer for Kakuzu to get ready.

Kakuzu meets him and raises a single eyebrow, in question, but he's dressed much the same, except classier. Well pressed slacks, a deep maroon turtleneck sweater, and a blazer. It isn't too long a walk to the restaurant that Hidan had picked out, celebrating his first 'real' windfall (at least, insofar as Kakuzu counts as 'real', without snorting and jabs about pocket change), and Hidan knows Kakuzu enough to know that he's cheap, and would rather walk than call a cab.

The weather is nice, a little brisk, and Hidan fills the walk with some semi-nervous chatter about how his courses are going. He's planning on trying to file for a transfer at the end of the semester, and---thanks to Kakuzu---his grades and credits should transfer directly into his bachelor's degree. Kakuzu actually talks to him about his work in return. And, Hidan can actually _reply_ in a manner that is half-intelligent, apparently, judging from the amused-approving smile on Kakuzu's face when he does. It's a nice ego boost, Hidan has to admit.

They get seated in a quiet corner near the back, away from the main rush of the dinner crowd. It's a fancier place than Hidan would have picked just for himself: the candles on the table are actual candles, not just tea lights in decorative holders, and they have a prix fixe option for the menu. But, Kakuzu doesn't reject it out of hand, and he actually looks half-impressed as he scans through the menu, so Hidan is going to count that as a win.

They both get waters, because even in a swanky restaurant Kakuzu still never orders drinks off a menu if he can possibly help it, and Hidan isn't going to make a fool of himself ordering wine when he's more of a really cheap beer kind of guy.

Dinner is actually very nice, quiet in their own little corner, and Kakuzu actually deigns to look at the dessert menu before writing it off as a waste of money. He still takes five bites out of Hidan's molten lava cake, which Hidan doesn't even protest because there's a smear of chocolate sauce on Kakuzu's nose, and he still hasn't noticed it yet.

The waiter finally comes by with the check, and Hidan reaches out before Kakuzu can even make a pass at doing so.

"I got it, thanks." The waiter leaves, and Hidan looks up from signing the receipt to see Kakuzu staring at him oddly, chocolate still smeared across the tip of his nose. "What? Oh! and you've got, uh--" Hidan makes a motion like scrubbing at his nose, which makes Kakuzu stare at his nose cross-eyed, before reaching up with his napkin to blot it away.

Kakuzu goes back to staring, eyebrows furrowed.

"Seriously, what?" Hidan asks, holding out the check to the waiter in passing.

Kakuzu scrunches his nose a moment, before looking down at the table and then back up at Hidan.

"Is this a date?"

Hidan debates the merits of planting his face on the table. This is hopeless.

"That's kinda what I was shooting for, yeah."

"Ah." There's a long moment of silence, and Hidan takes advantage of the cleared space to acquaint his face with the tablecloth. Kakuzu makes a faint humming noise. "I suppose that's acceptable."

Hidan flies up, rocketing back into his chair to stare at Kakuzu.

"Huh?"

Kakuzu swirls the water and ice in his glass, a smirk creeping across his face.

"Not terrible for a first date, but I expect to be suitably impressed in the future."

Hidan opens his mouth to ask if Kakuzu is serious about giving _him_ a shot, before realizing how counterproductive it would be to undermine his own date. His mouth shuts with a quiet click, and Kakuzu's smirk deepens, as if he read Hidan's mind, the jerk.

  


* * *

  


"Goddamn it!" Hidan shouts as Shodai leaps up from the armrest of the couch to land his considerable heft across Hidan's shoulders. Half of the Switch controller slips out of his hand, causing his cart to spiral off of the race track. Hidan bends down to reach for the controller, somewhat inhibited by Kakuzu's fuzzy-socked feet resting in his lap. "Oi, pick up your giant puddle of cat."

Kakuzu laughs, and flicks the corner of his newspaper. Shodai, the stupid cat, is immediately entranced, and leaps straight from Hidan's shoulders to settle gracefully in Kakuzu's lap, where he begins to bat the metal ends of Kakuzu's hoodie strings with his paws. It's a stupidly cute picture, and if his cell phone weren't halfway across the apartment, Hidan would take a picture and set it as his background, even with all the grief he would get from Fuu later. Speaking of—

"What time is it?" Hidan asks, grabbing the other half of the controller and resetting the map before placing the game on pause. Kakuzu just grunts, and nudges Hidan's thigh with his foot.

"Your sister won't be arriving for another three hours. Relax. Play your Marcello Kart or whatever."

"It's _MarioKart_ , Kakuzu, I swear to god you just come up with stupid Italian names to piss me off–"

Kakuzu just laughs again, and Hidan makes an irritated click in the back of his throat, before turning back to his game and starting the race over.


End file.
